Christmas Has Been Canceled

Christmas has been canceled.

Apparently Santa was riding down the street of a somewhat shady neighbor shouting, “Ho, Ho, Ho!” Local police pulled him over and arrested him for solicitation.

Three reindeer were tasered during the incident and Rudolph is in critical condition. Doctors say if he survives his nose may glow as a result of the shock he received.

As Santa surrendered peacefully one officer started screaming “stop resisting, stop resisting” and proceeded to beat the Jolly Old Elf without mercy. All officers present confirm the story and insist their body cams ceased working right as it happened. The local police chief insisted everything was done by the book but said the responsible officer will be given a paid vacation while the whitewashing is done with a promotion in the new year.

Santa was also charged with voyeurism for checking up on boys and girls. And, apparently a candy cane in his pocket let to a major misunderstanding and lawsuit. (The Vatican offered to “reassign” him to Ecuador but the offer was rejected.)

Local prosecutors have filed an additional list of charges including breaking and entering charges regarding 1 million residences in the city and county. Charges of petty theft of cookies and hot chocolate are also being made. A raid was conducted on the north pole and elves were rounded up to make sure none were underage children being exploited.

Bernie Sanders damned Santa for not paying a minimum wage of at least $25 per hour. Pundits at Fox News chimed in damning the man as a “Socialist” who “teaches children they will get free things if they obey the Eastern Elite.”

President Trump tweeted about “Fake Santa” and called him “Sad.”

“This sort of thing wouldn’t happen if we built the Wall,” the President insisted in another tweet. By last count he issued 37 tweets on the topic and Fact Checkers is surprised he only distorted the facts a paltry 56 times, well below his usual average.

Arraignment was scheduled for next week but matters got more complicated when Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents rushed the police station and grabbed Mr. Claus. At first children protesting outside applauded believing ICE was liberating Santa, but they dragged him off to an ICE prison camp for deportation insisting he was an “illegal alien” who was stealing jobs from Americans.

PETA held protests demanding the death penalty for Santa for the mistreatment and exploitation of reindeer. But, even as these protests were going on Department of Wildlife officials shot the remaining reindeer saying it is both illegal and a health threat for private individuals to keep wildlife as pets without permission.

Upon news of the executions President Trump tweeted “No wall and this is what we get. Not just wild coyotes but infected reindeer raping and killing. Sad. Covfefe.”

What makes this particularly messy is Santa was charged with Rico violations and all his assets have been confiscated, including all presents, and sleighs. There has also been a clamor to bring additional charges of elf mistreatment as unions argue that elves made slave wages. Various enviromental groups applauded the demise of the reindeer insisting reindeer flatulence is a major cause of global warming but said, “This is too little too late.”

A joint statement by evangelicals Jerry Falwell Jr. and Franklin Graham praised the president for the handling of the “Santa problem” warning Americans that Santa “is the original war on Christmas, Jesus is the Reason, not Santa.” The Texas Republican Party passed a resolution demanding the death penalty for the “ISIS Terrorists in Red.”

Update: The Department of Defense confirmed drone missiles have destroyed the North Pole earlier today.

Happy Holidays!

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