My Person

Do you ever look at someone and not see them…instead you see right through them? Every inch of you is telling you that you know them, but there is this voice in the back of your head that asks if you really know them. I cannot help but think this when I look at you.

As I hug you, I hold the embrace for a little while longer because in that moment, everything is normal. Normal is a lose term at best, but for the purpose of this post I will use it. As we let go and reality hits me once again, I take a deep breath knowing exactly how the night will go. It is a never ending cycle; same people, same things, the same moment. Over and over again. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, repeat. Just like that. Nothing more, nothing less. It is endless really. It is like your favorite song on repeat. You listen to it over and over again because you love it. Soon everyone knows it is your favorite song. Then they get annyoed because that is the only thing you’ll listen too (Good luck getting the aux). But then one day you turn it on and suddenly that same happy feeling it gave you, somehow does not come to you as quickly. You play it again and again, and eventually that feeling never comes back at all. And just like that your favorite song becomes your worst nightmare. You are my nightmare.

I lay awake thinking about you. I let my mind drift back as far as I can remember, seeing you for the first time and my heart skipping abnormally fast. I fast forward, bypassing my awkward stage because Lord knows I do NOT need to relive those days. But the moment I land on is not some profound moment. It is not this aha moment either. In all actuality, it was not even a moment. I did not realize I needed you, until I needed you. From that moment on (maybe it was a moment?), you became my person. Whether you knew it or not. You were my person.

My person was strong. My person was opinionated. My person was truthworthy. My person was someone who had integrity and kept their word. My person was someone who challenged me intellectually and made me a better person for it. My person was the one who spoke words of wisdom to protect me, to shield me from the evil truths of the world. My person was my person… and then they were not.

I do not know where it all went wrong. I am sure we all have an opinion (because when do we keep our opinions to ourselves). But somewhere along the line, you fell and you fell hard. The first few times you picked yourself up because you were stronger than whatever life was throwing at you. But then hit after hit, you got up slower and slower. Eventually not getting up at all.

Sometimes I blame myself. Blame myself for not reaching out. Blame myself for not checking in. Blame myself for not being a better friend. Blame myself for not being your person. But I take a step back and I know this is not my fault (not entirely of course). I will not throw you a pity party. That ship has sailed. I will not let your excuses justify the means. I will not let your problem become my problem. But I will not let your story end here. Not now. Not this way.

I do not know if you will ever read this, or if anyone will ever read this, but if you read this I want you to know this:

You are my person because despite everything that you are going through, I still see these glimpses of a better you. Now I am sure you expected me to say “…I still see these glimpses of the old you.” Wrong. If I said that, I would be lying to say that you have not changed. You have, so have I, and so does everything else in this world. No one is really that special or unique. Not even you. But what you are is you. And I see the better you trying to break through this cracked armor of who you are trying to be. Trying to live up to. Well stop it. Stop it now because I guarntee it will kill you if it has not already. I hear your cry for help, I see your green light. I know you are waiting for someone, anyone, to take those weights off your shoulders one by one, so you can hold your head up high once again. But it will not be easy. You will be knocked down more times than before and you will doubt your abilities to make it through. You will wonder if you will ever see that light at the end of the tunnel or hope it comes soon because if not, you might not make it. But I am here to tell you this…you will make it. You will see that light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel real happiness again. Nothing altered, nothing fake, but real happiness radiating through you. How do I know this? You are my person and I refuse to let you down anymore.

I talk about you being my person, and I do not mean it in a intimate way (in case that wasn’t clear). Being my person, means that you were there for me when I needed you most and I did not even know it. But you are not just my person, you are a lot of people’s person. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are a lot of people out there rooting for you. They are not simply your friends, they are your family. They are the people you look to when shit hits the fan. They are the people you turn to when you are in need of a wake up call. They are the people you are vulnerable with because if you cannot be vulnerable with your family, who can you be vulnerable with? Your people love you. I love you (Again not intimately but you get the point).

We are about to begin the never ending cycle again, but this time I am sure it can be broken. This cycle is going to end, and will end, because you are rewriting your story. I look at you again and I smile because you mean something to me. I think about everytime you made the whole room laugh til we were in tears. I think about the times you told me, “Everything will work out.” I think about the times you told me, “I am always here to talk to if you need it.”

Well let me tell you this: Everything will work out, okay? I am always here to talk if you need it. Why?

Because you are my person and I am yours.

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