Pardon My Vape

I do not care about your children. I truly do not. And I will plop that truth down, without social nicety, so that the more easily offended members of the herd can move past this article to something softer on the palate.

Perhaps you would prefer a lovely “10 Ways to Start Everyday Right” (Just don’t ask yourself what the definition of right is.) Or maybe a complex tale about the magic of the avocado? (The avocado clearly has a new marketing plan.) There is a fine selection of articles about the same topic (quitting smoking) that would probably be way more holistic and in tune with the spiritual essence of you. You should ride your ego stallion down the high road that other people built for you and find those articles. This one is too spicy and authentic.

All of those who are still reading, I’m serious. I do not care about teen smoking and I also do not care about teen drinking — unless they’re driving. Addiction is a path that is open to everyone, regardless of age, and there is no law that can be written to close that path. But the government is trying to make laws that stop people from having safe-ish paths to quitting the substance that they’re addicted to.

I speak, of course, of the much-maligned Juul.

Supposedly, there is some mythical flavor that is available with this vape — something so enticing that the poorly developed frontal lobes of your average teen are subject to a kind of Juul flavor mind control and irresistibly drawn past legality in order to obtain it. So immune is the Juul to reason and law that it must be banned entirely, in order to keep the children out of its nefarious clutches.

Be that as it may, the Juul had better stay within my clutches. Do you really want a menopausal, (recently) ex-smoker to start organizing others of my kind? We are everywhere, we are legion, and we are way more dangerous than any vape could ever be.

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