Did Anybody Enjoy Middle School?

Middle school is challenging — for kids, for parents, for educators. And yet, those years are underappreciated in terms of development.

Why it matters: The ‘tween’ time period is when young people begin to build their confidence, learn to take risks, and really begin to formulate who they are. “No one gets out unchanged,” she notes in the book. “Mere months separate elementary from middle school, but the shift is seismic. Suddenly, kids are yanked out of childhood and tossed into adolescence.” Yet studies show that between the ages of 10- and 14-years-old, there is a precipitous drop in confidence, and suicide rates among kids this age have doubled. Creativity can drop by 30 percent. There is also a drop in their ability to take risks — a situation that can last into adulthood. The middle school years are a unique period of time when kids feel like they are both ignored yet also watched and judged, Fagell said. But it is still a period of time when parents can make a difference if it is done properly.

Some takeaways:

The big one: Take a deep breath and relax.

Fagell has introduced me to what will be one of my favorite phrases: “Instead of telling someone they’re a bad person, essentially ask them if they were their best selves.” Words matter, and what a wonderfully powerful way to make words matter. (You can hear the full story behind this phrase at the 12-minute mark in the recording below.)

Listen: Part of the tween years is building a new relationship between parent and child, a relationship where the child has more and more control over their own lives. And part of that role is as a listener. Don’t try to solve but provide a safe place where they can share their experiences. Creating that space can be difficult, but listening is key.

Parents can make a difference: Tweens are solidifying their values. “We want to make sure that they are internalizing our values, and whatever is important to our family,” she said. “They’re watching us,” she said, and “they still are very much interested in what we believe.”

Tweens tend to overinflate risk, particularly social risks. There are looming questions about whether they are hanging out with the right group — and the perceived impact that can have on them. Places like the school cafeteria can be incredibly intimidating with social judgment looming at every seat.

For parents, their kids are moving towards being adults. They are also smart — and increasingly ready for the challenges they face.

There are many myths around tweens. They are NOT embarrassed by their parents. And they are NOT looking to push buttons. They ARE looking to define themselves, and sometimes that can be defining themselves as different and separate from their parent. “It’s important to figure out why they’re why they’re pushing your buttons is because their job is to individually separate,” Fagell said. “They can’t rebel if they don’t know what you believe. So they’re arguing with you to find out what you’re thinking. Because if they can figure out what mysterious thing is going on in your head, well, then they can do the opposite. But they’re also internalizing it to probably in the long run, do whatever it is that you are suggesting is important.”

Parents want to stay calm. “They vary the temperature, but you’re the thermometer,” she said. “You want to stay calm no matter what they’re doing. So if they’re going up, even if they’re pushing your buttons, you stay steady. Because they’re they’re testing you at every minute, because in wanting to know how you would handle more serious disclosures and making sure that they can talk to you about it. Many parents tend to focus on big conversations, but if you keep open to the seemingly minor discussions, you can be there for the big stuff. A good way to do that is to put the phone down.

Resources:

Audio from her PCW presentation:

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