Three Things I Have to Remember When Raising Children Who Have Been Abused

Lessons I’ve learned raising children from fostercare

My son lied to me the other night when I confronted him about something — again. Even though he wouldn’t have gotten into trouble for what he did, he lied. And I lost it.

Children who have grown up with abuse and neglect have learned creative ways to keep themselves safe, often involving manipulation. They spend their entire life thwarting danger, and as they grow older, even if they are now in a protective environment, avoiding danger is all they know how to do.

For kids with a history of trauma, lying often keeps them from getting hurt. As they age, their brains develop based on living in a constant state of survival stress. The brain of an abused child will begin to wire itself for survival until, eventually, the behavior the child is doing, such as repeated lying, becomes their new norm. It’s an automatic response based on how secure the child feels, even though they may now be in a loving home.

This has been a way of life for all the children who have lived in my home.

So when my son lied to me for the sixth time that day, I lost my cool. Though I kept giving him the chance to tell the truth, he continued to lie.

Even when it is something obvious like, “Did you eat the last cookie on the table?” when he was the only one in the house, and he has crumbs all over his face, he will still lie.

“No, it wasn’t me.”

“Just tell me the truth,” I said. You don’t get into nearly as much trouble when you tell the truth.”

“No,” he said again. “It wasn’t me.”

Eventually, frustration took over, and I sent him to bed early. But then I heard that voice in the back of my mind say, “He can’t help it. He really doesn’t have control over his lying, and he will never tell the truth as long as he doesn’t feel safe.”

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